Monday, September 14, 2015

5 Non-Sexual Behaviors to Ruin Your Relationship

Thank you for stopping by, as always my goal is to empower and transform your life. 

I've been on the other end of destroyed relationships and I will share the list of "Relationship Killers" experienced. Not only will these behaviors in your person ruin any relationship, but will destroy "self" as well as they are all a part of your EGO. 

The most important thing to take away from this blog is the ability to self-reflect and examine if these behaviors actively exist in you. If so, do the work to remove them as they serve you no purpose other than self-sabotage. Or, sign up for one of my Coaching Programs.

Emotionally Closed- An emotionally closed person is one who refuses to share their emotions. What this means is, he or she doesn't know how to express themselves, can't express themselves or refuses and/or is afraid of their emotions. I know that might sound crazy, but there are people who are afraid of their feelings and will not share them. What's more, many have been taught that their feelings are not real; what does that mean? During childhood, when a parent tells a child to shut up and stop crying, or that didn't hurt, that leaves a child with a false sense of "I don't have to feel." In essence, as the child becomes an adult, he or she doesn't understand expressing emotions or feeling them. However, there are those who simply live in fear -- fear of getting hurt, so they refuse to share. This leads to a communication barrier and will destroy any relationship. Not only that, intimacy does not exist and without the ability to share who you are and your deepest emotions, your partner really does not know who you are. So here is how you fix it, open your mouth, start talking, stop worrying and remove the fear. As we know fear is simply a fragment of your imagination and your worries about an outcome. You will never know how a person will react or respond and honestly, that doesn't matter. Your goal is to start releasing or you will continue to sabotage all of your relationships. So, what's behind being emotionally closed? Fear and Ego as the spirit never expresses fear.  Listed below are 5 signs of being emotionally closed. 
  • Not Talking: When it comes to topics that require him/her to connect with their emotions, like how your relationship is doing or his fears or how he feels about his job, he or she shuts down or just "stop talking." He or she refuses to engage in any conversations that might penetrate emotions. The most common way to see this is when he or she states, "I don't want to argue" as it is just a way to avoid his or her feelings altogether.
  • Refusal to Argue: Arguing might seem like the relationship is in trouble, but it is also a sign that two people can express their differences in opinion. But, if he or she just refuses to engage when there's a disagreement and walks away at the sign of a possibly heated discussion; he or she is emotionally unavailable to self and you. This is probably because of their childhood and being around too much arguing as it leaves a child scared and frightened by fights, or no arguing at all.
  • Denial. He or she might say there family is perfect and their childhood was great, although he or she told you their father was absent, and the mother was an alcoholic. Denial is desolation as in this case it means, he or she just can't or refuses to deal with real feelings and that means yours or theirs.
  • Physically AbsentHe or she is never home with you as they are always working working two jobs, or with his or her friends, comes home when you are sleep or busy, stays in the basement or garage. These are red flags that he or she is emotionally unavailable. If he or she isn't there physically, he certainly can't be there emotionally. 
  • Communication Breakdown: He or she gives you the"blank stare" when you ask a question, never answers direct or point-blank questions, or beats around the bush, implies your spouse/partner isn't willing to face their feelings and issues head-on. Instead, he or she will focus on petty or small things instead of the big picture. For example, you say the transmission died in the car and he or she says, "the radio isn't working either."

Controlling- I really don't need to explain this as it is self-explanatory, but I will. Everybody wants to control everything. We want to control our children, our bosses, our spouses, the red light, time and even decisions that do not affect you. The only thing or person you need to control is yourself. Not to mention, those you attempt to control will eventually end that relationship. We need to relax more and let things be. Instead of trying to control someone else, why not look in the mirror and figure out if that person is "mirroring" something in you as those in our lives are not there by mistake. We are all mirrors of each other. So, relax and allow things to be as they are. Trying to control someone expresses a major amount of immaturity, insecurities and fear. These types of people will prevent you from leading a fulfilling life. What's more, controlling people do not want you to feel good about yourself because it takes away control and draws attention away from them. This behavior is a definite relationship killer and hiding behind Ego and fear. You might ask, how is fear involved - fear of losing you, fear of being out of control themselves; and especially if you are a good looking person and he or she doesn't feel they are attractive. This leads to jealousy as they rarely compliment you and wish you felt as horrible about self as they do about themselves. So, here is how you fix it, go back into your childhood and figure out at what point in your life did you feel like you had no control, what was so out of control in your childhood experience and now you feel the need to control everything around you. Did you grow up around siblings or a parent who you constantly watched being hurt and now you want to (over-protect) control everyone you love? Pay attention to you and stop trying to control others or you will find yourself alone. 

Blames Others- This is truly one that I have a personal issue with as we are not victims. Have you ever experienced someone blame you for something and you have no idea how you became involved in the situation. For instance, you are the reason they are angry or don't trust anyone, or the tree fell, or the tire fell off the car. Have you? Because I have experienced being blamed by my ex for him being late for work and I wasn't even in his house. At any rate, why do we blame? To prevent looking at and dealing with self. It's easy to blame and for some odd reason hard to look at self. I would much rather prefer to look at me than blame others. This makes room for growth. People who blame are victim-minded and believes something is always happening to them. They have no idea where their faults come from because they refuse to search within their past experiences. This is grounds for termination of any relationship as well. How do you fix this? Go back into your childhood or past and determine when were you a victim and who taught you to not be accountable for your actions. What lies behind blaming? Fear and Ego. How? Your fear of seeing all the mistakes you've made and continue to make, and the fear of digging up some experience in your past that may be too painful to experience. 

CompetitionOne of the most important rules of marriage or a relationship is to recognize that you and your spouse/partner are on the same team, or at least you should be. This world is filled with competition from the time we enter school and that has to come to a halt within relationships as this can be a real enemy. In relationships, you have to be willing to put your spouse's/ partner's needs' first. The only type of person that will compete with their spouse/partner is one who has a child-like mindset. This is grounds for termination of that relationship as when one competes with the other, he or she lacks support and is very insecure. This behavior is also a part of the Ego as the Ego always has to win. How would you know if you are competing in your relationship or being competed with? Look at the signs below.
  • You resent his/her accomplishments
  • You don't acknowledge or express happiness when he/she does well 
  • You gloat about the things you do better 
  • You think you are always right and is insistent about saying “I told you so”
  • In something simple like playing games, if you lose, you get an attitude as you are not a good sport 
  • You never mention his/her achievements while you discuss yours with your family and friends
  • You become afraid and hysterical if he/she excels at something you tend to do well 
Need I go on as the list above doesn't imply "team." How do you fix this?
  • Cheer your partner on when he/she excels at something
  • Believe that you and your partner complement each other in regards to strengths and weaknesses
  • Boast and brag to your friends and family about your spouse’s/partner's achievements
  • Perceive your partner’s achievements as an extension of yours
  • Respect your partner’s opinion and seek their advice, especially before making important decisions
  • See your relationship as a team and strive for common support

Selfish- This person lacks consideration for others and is only concerned with their own personal profit or pleasure. I will share some examples and you tell me if a relationship will survive with this type of behavior.

  • Your Partner Gives In: Whenever there's a discussion about what to do or where to go, you always have your way and even if that means your partner is left feeling sad or less than happy. 
  • Don't Know How To Be Unselfish:  You attempt to have consideration for your partner, but you simply can't do it. You always have to have the better this or that, the bigger piece of chicken, the last piece of cake or you always have to go first. You just don't know how to be considerate. 
  • Partner Has Flaws: You see your partner as flawed instead of perfect for you. So, you expect them to change to suit your needs as you probably think he or she isn't good enough for you. You may have the same flaws, but all you recognize is theirs and so you expect them to change something you refuse to see in yourself. 
  • Never Apologize: You feel sick or get a lump in your throat when you have to apologize.  You apologize even when you don't mean it, or for something not that important. But when it comes to matters of the heart, you hold back, argue or try to defend yourself even when you know you are wrong.
  • Wants Everything Your Way: You always like doing something your way or going to places you like even if your partner wants to do something different. If your partner mentions doing something else or going to a different place, you pout and as soon as your partner gives in to your whining and does what you want, you cheer up instantly.
Being selfish is also buried in Ego as the Ego has no consideration for others. Get out of your head and into your heart as that is when your relationship will flourish. In essence, there are many more non-sexual behaviors to destroy your relationship as the ones listed are those I have experienced with past men. I hope you enjoyed reading as I hope I have empowered you to open your heart, become considerate and work together, be accountable and relax. If you need more assistance creating healthier relationships please click here

I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities. 

“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”

Contact me for more details. 
Healing the Mind, Body & Soul 

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