Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Sex or Sexual Abuse (The Truth About Men & Sexual Abuse)


I appreciate you stopping by to read my blogs as always my purpose is to empower and transform your life. 

Over 19,000,000 men in America have a history of sexual abuse. According to other statistics, 1 in every 6 boys will be molested before reaching the age of 18. When we look at those numbers, are we including those men who were molested and never shared the experience with anyone? Do men understand the dynamics of child molestation? Or are men under the false knowledge that they had sex with an older woman or teenager. Let us delve into the subject and raise awareness on what sexual abuse is against boys and how it affects them later in life as men. 

When we view the number of men in prison, men make up 90 percent of the prison and local jail population, and they have an imprisonment rate 14 times higher than the rate for women. What does this have to do with child abuse? Studies show that there is a strong link between prior abuse and violent crime. Among the male inmates in state prisons, 76 percent were abused as children. When we look at relationships, 30% of black women are living with spouses, compared with about 49 percent of Hispanic women, 55 percent of white women and more than 60 percent of Asian women. Those numbers are alarming, so what has happened to our men and especially our black men?

When we look at sexual abuse against boys and how it effects men, we will then understand why our relationships have failed and why so many men are emotionless, angry and afraid to commit. Before we look at affects, let's talk about young boys having sex with older teenagers or women. Society has created a very disturbing message about sexual abuse and boys. In fact, years ago it was unheard of for boys to be molested. It was viewed as a badge of honor for a young boy to have sex with an older girl or woman; fathers were happy as their boys exhibited a heterosexual lifestyle and wasn't a virgin anymore. The problem with that was boys were introduced to sex and not a relationship with a girl. So, what a boy sees-- is just sex and therefore not a problem. What's more, when a child molester is done with one child, he or she drops him/her like garbage in a dumpster. This leaves the young boy feeling confused and worthless, angry and lacking confidence, and more importantly, having a disregard for girls and their emotions, as well as lacking trust in girls/women. 

This is a major issue as perceiving sexual molestation as sex comes without the truth of there being a problem. Without understanding that something wrong was done, how will one understand that as an adult, their behaviors are unhealthy? Sexual abuse destroys a boy's ability to feel and process his emotions and later in life he becomes afraid of his emotions. Imagine a young boy being sexually molested, develops a liking for the child molester, and is then dismissed like garbage. What do you think this would do to a child's psyche? What about, if the boy never tells? Who will the young boy become as a man? I can answer that, but before I do, let's examine the patterns of behaviors and instabilities he will develop. 

Lack of Emotional Intelligence: He will lack the capacity to be aware of, control, and express his emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships discreetly and empathetically. What does this mean? A male child victim who is now a man has no understanding of his emotions, nor does he know how to control his emotions and especially when he is upset;  this can result in violence. His relationships will be sexually driven as he has no idea how to support his woman's emotions. He will have an utter disregard or lack of understanding when his woman needs emotional support. Does this sound familiar to you? 

The inability to understand and process emotions leads to: 
Mental Instabilities: A thought process that tends to change your behavior very quickly or you react to things in an extremely unstable way. In many cases, the thought process is filled with negative images, ideas and opinions and will exhibit itself in the ways listed below. 
  • Feeling sad or down
  • Confused thinking or reduced ability to concentrate
  • Excessive fears or worries, or extreme feelings of guilt
  • Extreme mood changes of highs and lows
  • Withdrawal from friends and activities
  • Significant tiredness, low energy or problems sleeping
  • Detachment from reality (delusions), paranoia or hallucinations
  • Inability to cope with daily problems or stress
  • Trouble understanding and relating to situations and to people
  • Alcohol or drug abuse
  • Major changes in eating habits
  • Sex drive changes
  • Excessive anger, hostility or violence
  • Suicidal thinking
How will an adult male know he was molested if he was taught it was sex with an older girl or woman? I recently produced a show for Radio Host Art Sims on the Art Chat Daddy Sims (WVONand two of the three gentlemen I invited to share their stories had no idea they were sexually molested as young boys. They too thought it was sex with an older teenager. Watch this video as one of the guest (my husband) shares his story. 


When any child is molested, the perpetrator will tell the child, "don't tell anyone," "it's our secret," or offers gifts for sex, and in some cases, uses threats or physical abuse to coerce the child into having sex. How is any of that "just sex?" Why do you need to know this? Your child-hood experience altered your mindset, emotional growth and personality as a whole. 

This is how you saw the experience
Just sex, pleasure, badge of honor, the "big man" not a virgin, etc...
This is what really occurred 
Sexual Abuse
Sex Crime 
Betrayal
Stolen Innocence

This is how it affected you 
Sexually Driven
Angry Man Syndrome- Responds to everything in anger even if it is constructive criticism
Perceive Sex as Nurturing or Love- In the absence of sex with your partner, you feel unloved.
Inability to Process, Manage and Control your Emotions- You ignore your emotions
Victim Minded- Blames everyone for your behaviors
People Pleasers- Inability to say "no"
Promiscuous- Has sex with anyone and without precaution or prejudice
Feeling Worthless
Untrustworthy- Doesn't trust anyone or self
Lack of Confidence- Absence of belief in self
Inability to relate to a woman in the absence of sex
Addiction (Alcohol, drugs)
Emotionally Disconnected- Inability to connect with his emotions and a woman's emotions
Fear of your own emotions- Refuse to feel any emotion associated with pain
Insecure-Uncertain about who you are 
Jealous- Feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages.
Feeling or showing suspicion of someones unfaithfulness in a relationship. 

PTSD- Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (4 Categories)
-Disturbing memories
  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event
  • Reliving the traumatic event (flashbacks)
  • Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
  • Emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event (triggers)
-Avoidance
  • Avoids talking or thinking about the traumatic event
  • Avoids people, place and things that reminds you of the traumatic even
-Negative Changes in Mindset and Behavior
  • Negative feelings about self or others
  • Feeling emotionally numb
  • Inability to experience positive emotions
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems, including inability to remember pieces of the traumatic event
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
-Changes in Emotional Reactions
  • Angry outburst, irritable or aggressive behavior
  • Easily frightened
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
  • Always on guard for danger; defensive
  • Difficulties concentrating 
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, I can assure you it will not just "go away." This type of trauma to a child has to be processed, understood and conquered in order for your authentic self to evolve. Might I add, none of the behaviors or characteristics listed above are healthy. 

There are 3 things attached to tears:
  • Tears of Joy
  • Tears of Physical Pain
  • Tears of Emotional Pain
Unfortunately, tears of emotional pain or trauma are rarely expressed. What does this mean? With emotional pain, there is anger, shame, embarrassment, blame and insecurities among other things. However, when these emotions are harbored, they create a negative minded individual who only has the ability to express anger. Does this sound like you? Lastly, gentleman, please remove that false belief that a man should not cry. When you were a young boy, not only were you sexually molested but you were also told to, "stop crying like a girl," "get up that didn't hurt," "act like a man," "stop being a punk," etc.... That damaged your psyche as well as it taught you to ignore your emotions, don't feel them and pretend as if they are not real. So I ask you, how can you emotionally connect to anyone if you cannot connect to self? How can you maintain a healthy relationship if you are unhealthy. How can you prevent going to prison if you only react in anger? I have created a program tailored to men who have been abused and if you are interested in healing and becoming the person you were meant to be, please email me.  

Who was your abuser? Cousin, aunt, uncle, sister, sister's friend, brother, mother, mother's friend, neighbor, friend's mother, friend's sister, etc..,? Either way, it was wrong and it changed you as a whole. 


I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities. 

“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”

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