Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Removing Toxic Relationships

You are about to indulge in the chapter "Cutting Ties" in my book "Overcoming Toxic Relationships." Many of us fail to realize that our toxicity or dysfunctional ways were embedded in us by our family during childhood/ and or abuse. Some are also under the misconception that toxic relationships occur between man and woman.  I beg to differ; relationships are across the border and include:

Parent-Child
Sibling-Sibling
Boss-Employee
Husband-Wife
Same Sex Relationships
Self-Relationship

What I would like for you to understand is prior to entering a relationship with either, more than likely your toxicity or unhealthy behaviors were already embedded. Subsequently, when you meet a potential male/female or have children, you will curse them with your abnormal patterns and behaviors. I encourage you to dig deep, seek truth, self-reflect, be accountable and thereafter you will begin to build better relationships. This section deals with my relationships with family members and how I had to recognize my abnormal behaviors and STOP blaming others for mistreating me. Not only that, I had to be accountable and stop playing victim. Although my family was the initial introduction to my abuse, as an adult I had a choice to do better. I encourage you to choose wisely.  

"Cutting Ties" Page 118.
I understood codependency as a mental condition where one person is controlled or manipulated by another who is mentally unstable or addicted to drugs. It also refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of another. Sounds pretty unstable right? Well, that was me. I was completely locked into trying to save Chrissy, Damenia and Nicki. I was always excessively preoccupied with their problems and constantly placed a lower priority on my own needs. I always tried to make our relationship work and they never did. I always made plans to spend time with them or do something as a family. I always took them out or spent my money on them. I always assisted them with their birthday parties and they never helped, or offered me anything on my birthday. I was the only one putting energy into our relationships.

I felt tired, broken and lacked the strength I appeared to have. I destroyed myself for the sake of them. I didn’t want to lose my family, but I realized if I wanted to better myself, walking away and distancing me from them was the way to go. They were all toxic. We were all toxic, but I had to find my way in life without them. I had to focus on me and stop trying to save them. I didn’t have everything together not then or over the past 20 years, but I made a decision to separate myself from them. They were all abusive and so was I. The difference was I wanted better. I wanted different. I wanted to feel safe and not worry about threats and betrayal by Nicki, Chrissy and Damenia anymore. Once I realized I was codependent, I focused on disconnecting. I asked myself what I was losing. I came up with many answers and none of them were good. I realized everything I needed to walk away from was negative. I was nowhere near perfect and had many flaws, dysfunctional behaviors and patterns, but I wanted freedom from it all.

I no longer wanted any broken or abusive relationships. From that moment, I focused on me. I protected Mama, but Chrissy, Nicki and Damenia were rocks under my shoes. END


If what you have read sounds familiar, I encourage you to start the process of disconnecting yourself. Sometimes what should be good for you will kill you. In any relationship, it is give and take. If you are the only one giving and the receiver(s) are not and/or mistreating you, I kindly suggest you remove yourself from that relationship. Relationships are between two people, and should always be about building, not tearing down. If you want better for yourself, now is the time to "Cut Ties." There is no-one on this earth worth you losing yourself for or dying emotionally. It just isn't worth it. That goes for sisters, brothers, parents, and even (adult) children. God does not want you to suffer for anyone. Now is your time to weigh the pros and cons. Take a look at the positive influence one has on your life, and if it is absent, it's time to go. If someone isn't helping you, they are hurting you. Believe that. The longer you stay, the unhealthier you become. Step out and then do the work to better you. 

It is apparent when one stays in an unhealthy relationship; he/she is just as unhealthy. You have to be willing to accept your ugly truth in order to improve your life and create better relationships. Better relationships STARTS with you.

I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities. 

“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”

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