Wednesday, August 21, 2013

I Missed My Abuser

I appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule to read my blog. My goal is to empower and enlighten you. The photo listed is one of a bite mark on the thigh. It's about the size of the one my abuser left on my inner thigh. I clearly remember this day. I was out with some neighborhood friends having a few cocktails and my abuser recently moved into the neighborhood. I stopped by his house to introduce him to a guy friend I considered a brother to me. I was somewhat intoxicated, but not to the point that I was incoherent. After my friend left, I laid down on my abuser's blow up mattress.

My abuser then said to me,
"You out there with some niggas drinking with a short ass dress on looking like a whore."
I responded,
"I don't look like a whore and those niggas are my friends and will be my friends when your ass is gone." 


He became quiet and sat down. He attempted to kiss me and make me have sex with him. I refused. Afterwards, he tried to forcefully perform oral sex on me and I told him to stop. He became a more forceful and I used my thighs to choke him. He bit my thigh so hard I screamed. I left and the next day the bruise was as large as the one in the photo only it was black, blue and purple. I stayed with this man on and off for 3 years and missed him when he was gone. You can read more of that story in my book “Overcoming Toxic Relationships.


Did you or do you miss your abuser? Was it or is it hard for you to leave? It was for me. (In some cases) Here is the thing, although you were abused by this male or female more than likely you developed feelings for him before the violence started. Also you spent time with this person so missing him/her was or is normal. However, don’t go back!!!

We are humans with emotions and those we love or care about will have the greatest impact and potential to cause deep pain. Yet, we still miss them. I missed the man that abused me. I even thought I wanted him back until I came to my senses. Even after I dismissed him I thought I was losing something. I was completely out of my normal mind. I thought after leaving him someone else would have him. I thought after leaving him I would be alone. I thought after leaving him I would never have anyone else. Well, praise God I went on a one year spiritual journey and found myself.

It's normal for women who lack self-confidence, love and esteem to go back to their abusers. The problem with that becomes the more time spent the less chances of getting out alive. As victims of abuse you have to stop and reflect on why you are staying. In my book Perfectly Planned, I shared a lot of my childhood experiences that led me to accept emotional, verbal and physical abuse by men, as I became an adult.

Some of the questions you can ask yourself are:

· Why am I accepting this?
· Where did I learn this?
· What is Self-love?
· Do I have a spiritual connection with God and self?
· What is love?

If you answer those questions and the answers lead back to childhood you have to go back. You have to go back to learn and understand where you come from in order to live a normal and whole life. Not only that you have to accept the person you have become and work diligently on changing the learned patterns and behaviors. Once you accept and be honest with the broken person you are, you can then embrace positive change. You also have to be accountable. Most abusive men show signs from the very beginning as mine did, and as women we ignore them or think we can change them. Well that was your first and second mistake. Abusive men/women do not have love in their hearts. Their hearts are bitter, cold and angry and they will continue to wreak havoc on everyone they come in contact with unless he/she forgives the abuse they experienced. Abuse is a learned condition. No one is born an abuser. I encourage you to start with your childhood and learn from the very beginning as to where you developed an attitude that you do not deserve to be loved.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

If you are in an abusive situation or feel your life is threatened, please contact 911. 

I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities. 

“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”

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