Thursday, June 6, 2013

Building Better Black Relationships

There are some disturbing statistics in regards to the Black Relationship. According to 2009 data from the Census Bureau, 70.5 % of black women in the United States have never been married — but those were women between the ages of 25 and 29. Black women are more apt to marry later in life. Not only that, Census numbers shows that 73.1 % of black men between the ages of 25 and 29 have never been married. That is actually higher than the numbers associated with black women. 

Too many of us are finding fault or problems as to why the Black Relationship is failing or has failed. Instead we need to find solutions. Many are blaming the Broken Black Relationship on several things and some may hold a small amount of weight, but all are simply the surface of the problem not the root. What’s more, relationships are not problems, the people who exist in them are. The list below is what I call symptoms and not the root problems. 

  • Slavery 
  • Cheating
  • Leabianism/Homosexuality
  • The slave mentality
  • Angry black woman
  • White woman
  • White man
  • Unemployed black men
  • Cheating 
  • Independent women
  • The down low brother
  • Oppression
  • Prison 
  • Lack of education 
  • Insecure women & men
  • Abusive men & women

This is a list of the simple solutions that if applied to your life may increase your chances of not having a successful relationship, in all areas of your life.

ForgiveIf you were abused as a child, do not start a relationship until you forgive your abuser. Period! You are not giving yourself a fair chance and everyone you date will feel your pain from your childhood.

Therapy/Coaching- Men if you had sex as a child with an older teen or a woman, you have been molested. Get help because you are broken and no good to any woman. It will be difficult for you to connect to any woman let alone commit to her. You will only cause more pain. Become a great man first. Be fair to yourself and seek the truth. The truth is how severely did the abuse affect your mindset?
Increase self-worth- Stop looking for people to be good for you, make sure you are good for yourself first and others second. Too many of us are quick to say "S/he is good for me." The question is, are you good for them? If you aren’t good to yourself, there is no way you will be good to others.

Admit Your Inadequacies- If you've had two or more failed marriages or long term relationships take a good look in the mirror. You are more than likely the common denominator of the failure. Reflect back on your life, patterns and behaviors and be honest to self about self. The only way to live whole is to be accountable and responsible for self.

Heal- Do not jump into another relationship after one ends. Make sure there is complete closure. Too many of you date immediately after breaking up with someone. You need time to heal, self-reflect and grow. Take at least a year off from dating and when you decide to date again make certain to do everything different and better. The only way this can happen is to heal first. 

Self-Reflect- After a failed relationship the only person you should find fault with is yourself. And as a matter of fault, there really is no fault. We are all learning. We are experiencing life so that we can ultimately find our purpose in life. We all make mistake, however you can’t change people. Focus on changing you and how you can become a better person for you and/or next relationship. Do not blame, just focus on you.

Be Accountable- Ladies and gentleman if s/he cheated on you and now you are mad at every wo/man, accept your part and that was staying. Thereafter, ask yourself why did you stay and you will find that there was a lack of self-love somewhere. Don’t be angry at someone for being an ass; be angry at yourself for staying. People are who they are and you are not responsible not the reason he or she cheated. Forgive yourself for allowing poor treatment and move forward.

Remove the Displaced Anger- Ladies and gentleman, if your mother or father abused or abandoned you, forgive them and stop mistreating all women and men when you know the anger lies with your parent. Have a conversation with your parent and release the pain. Being bitter does you no good and it certainly doesn’t do anyone else any good. The truth is anger is one letter short of danger. Now, is that how you want to live your life?

Connect with God- Stop looking for others to make you happy. True happiness is supplied by the higher self and God. You should already be in peace when you meet someone so that you can accept their love and embrace their flaws. The way to have a successful relationship is to love and accept self.

One thing I know to be true about many men. As a young boy between the ages of 9 (or maybe younger) up to the age 16, if they were sexually active with a female 5yrs older or more, he has no idea he was molested. Today, as a man he thinks he's had an older girlfriend or woman. So, in his present adult life more than likely he has an emotional disconnect with women, lack of trust and faith in women as well as a disregard for their emotions. Why, because as child he was painfully scorn by this child molester when she walked away and onto the next boy. In his mind she was his woman, however in her mind he was a victim. When she was done with him, she left him feeling unworthy, unloved, betrayed, deceived and lost as it relates to a relationship with a woman. His relationships today are based on the one he thought was his woman. He is mentally scorn, heartbroken and in his mind, worthless, and every woman he comes in contact with will feel the wrath that is, without forgiveness. In essence, we have to stop blaming and finding fault in others. The only way to make life better is to change you. 

If you require more information, services or products, please visit my website.

I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities. 

“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”

773.419.3070 Contact me for more details.

Healing the Mind, Body & Soul

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