If you read my book Perfectly Planned (Overcoming Incest, Rape & Sexual Abuse), you will remember I shared my confusion regarding my sexual preference. I actually thought I was lesbian. Also, early on in the Chapter, The Ring Leader, I shared how I was forced to perform oral sex on a female teenager and forced to indulge in sexual acts with girls and boys. Well, if you read Overcoming Toxic Relationships, you will know that it took me two decades to realize I am not lesbian or bisexual. Keep in mind, this is not to judge who you are. I am just sharing my innermost feelings in an effort to help someone else.
When I was eight (8) years old, I was forced to perform oral sex on a female teenager as well as forced to engage in sexual acts with other children in my neighborhood. Prior to this incident, I specifically remember liking only boys as I had no interest in girls. I was always a "tomboy," however, after this event and as early as a teenager, I remember being attracted to girls, but I would never act on it. Later in life, when I reached the age of twenty-eight (28), I had my first experience (Three-some) with another woman and my boyfriend at the time. Being honest, it felt good as sex does, but I knew inside of me, it wasn't for me. But, I could not shake that feeling of wanting to be with a woman. During my adult years, I had numerous sexual accounts with women and was totally out-of-control. I actually thought I was, and claimed to be bisexual. I hung in gay bars and indulged in women in the bathrooms or wherever I could. Deep inside of me, I knew this was not who I was and I always felt a sense of shame. But that did not stop me. I desired to be with women and for the life of me, I was unable to pinpoint where these desires came from. With that, I continued on living as a bisexual woman and became somewhat open about it. I was very irresponsible as I slept with women I met in clubs on the same day, and those I met on the chat lines. I thank God I never contracted an STD. I remember attending a lesbian house party and felt so uncomfortable I left, but that didn't stop me. As time went on, it got to a point where I thought about becoming a lesbian and having a girlfriend, while I had a boyfriend. My boyfriend at that time always thought I would leave him for a woman; I didn't, but I definitely did cheat with women. Throughout all those sexual encounters, none of them was what my body wanted. The ultimate desire was to be in bed with a woman only and no man. At 37 years old, I experienced a one-on-one with a woman and after it was over, I felt ashamed and guilty.
When I wrote Perfectly Planned and the Chapter, The Ring Leader, I discovered where these desires came from and was floored. All those years I claimed and acted on being bi-sexual came to a complete halt. I realized being forced to be with girls was the seed that planted the desire to be with women. It was a stronghold that I allowed to control my mind; well nothing is stronger than the power of God. I dropped to my knees, prayed and moved forward. I forgave self and removed the lust and hyper-sexual behaviors I possessed. I never asked to desire women and I definitely wasn't born that way. I am healed and no longer have any desire for women. In essence, sexual molestation has nothing to do with whether you are gay or not. However, it has everything to do with your promiscuity and/or hyper-sexual behaviors. There are so many victims of child molestation; men and women alike who live a homosexual or lesbian lifestyle. In my experience, being sexually molested by the same sex and forced to engage in sexual activities with the same sex created confusion about my sexual orientation. However, that did not make me a lesbian. It made me a hyper-sexual person. I slept with women for over ten years and when I decided to dig deep and understand where the desire came from, I made the connection. I realized my body enjoyed the sexual pleasures as a young child and never forgot. As an adult and like many, I acted on that desire and had sex with many women.
Lastly, being sexually molested or abused by the opposite sex can create a fear and/or distrust in the opposite sex that might lead to seeking love and acceptance from the same sex. Sexual abuse not only confuses you about your identity, it also creates sexual orientation confusion. Make the connection.
I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities.
“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”
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