Friday, February 24, 2012

Equating Love With Abuse

Thank you for stopping by as always, my goal is to empower and transform your life. 

I'm sure many of you have discussed being mistreated by men or women so it would probably be difficult to handle a good man or woman. That is a topic that needs to be discussed so I will share some of my experiences and maybe you can dig deep within, find yourself and understand that you deserve a good man or woman. When one has been abused all of his/her life, he or she becomes accustomed to abuse and therefore connects it with love. Some of us are not sure what love is after being abused.  Most of us are not taught what love is or isn't. The important thing to take note of is that LOVE is NOT ABUSE. It's easy to accept similarities from your past relationships although they were not good for you, more than often, we attract what we are. 

For example, I was abused as a child, teen and adult; all forms of relationships, and all forms of abuse, so it was easy for me to accept abuse. In one of my relationships, I was mentally and verbally abused, cheated on, always put on the back-burner and disrespected, however, this man always told me he loved me, and since I was born into abuse, I accepted the bad treatment. So, he abused me, but always said he loved me and I stayed. When I met someone who was the complete opposite, I was confused and doubted his behaviors because it wasn't connected to abuse. It wasn't what I was accustomed to. Now, reverse everything I previously wrote with all good behaviors, and then come in contact with an abusive man or woman. You will reject that behavior because you are not accustomed to it. You are accustomed to good behaviors, so bad ones don’t fit into your lifestyle.

It's a subconscious behavior because no-one wants to be abused; some connect abuse with love, especially when you have never experienced love in a relationship. I hear many people say, "He or she needs to be hit in order to believe it's love," that is sad to say, but does hold some truth. It's not that women or men like to be hit; it's just that the bad behaviors are all they are familiar with so they accept it. Abuse victims who have not received coaching or therapy does not understand love. I was guilty of this, but with recognition and two spiritual journeys, I was able to conquer it and today, I recognize that I connected abuse with love. I didn't understand love without being disrespected, cheated on, verbally abused etc... I recognize the difference today, because after meeting my husband, I know love exists and abuse has no place in my life today or ever. 

Those who we accept into our lives are a reflection of who we are. If we harbor bad feelings about ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others that reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for yourself increases self-esteem and makes it easier to embrace healthy relationships and reject unhealthy relationships. 
Signs of Equating Abuse with Love or NOT-Understanding Love
  • If he/she doesn't hit you, you don't feel loved
  • If he/she doesn't disrespect you, you don't feel loved
  • You accept abuse, emotional, verbal, physical
  • Expecting certain behaviors, i.e. Name calling, hitting, aggression, constant chaos
  • You provoke your partner intentionally looking for a negative response
  • You feel a need to argue
  • You are incapable of living in peace with your mate
  • You replace harmony with arguments
  • You are physically and verbally abusive
  • You say he/she loves you even after they hit you
  • You push him/her away
  • You consider them a 'Weak or too emotional" when he/she shows you nothing but love and respect
  • Disrespectful to each other
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
  • Take care of yourself. Have good self-esteem that is independent of your relationship
  • Maintain and respect each others individuality 
  • Maintain relationships with friends and family
  • Have activities apart from one another
  • Are able to express yourselves to one another without fear of consequences
  • Are able to feel secure and comfortable
  • Allow and encourage other relationships
  • Take interest in one another’s activities
  • Do not worry about violence in the relationship
  • Trust each other and be honest with each other
  • Have the option of privacy
  • Have respect for sexual boundaries
  • Are honest about sexual activity if it is a sexual relationship
  • Accept influence. Relationships are give and take; allowing your partner to influence you is important; this can be especially difficult for some men.
  • Resolve conflict fairly: Fighting is part of even healthy relationships, the difference is how the conflict is handled. Fighting fairly is an important skill you help you have healthier relationships.
 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
  • Put one person before the other by neglecting yourself or your partner
  • Feel pressure to change who you are for the other person
  • Feel worried when you disagree with the other person
  • Feel pressure to quit activities you usually/used to enjoy
  • Pressure the other person into agreeing with you or changing to suit you better
  • Notice one of you has to justify your actions (e.g. Where you go, who you see)
  • Notice one partner feels obligated to have sex or has been forced
  • Have a lack of privacy, and may be forced to share everything with the other person
  • You or your partner refuse to use safer sex methods
  • Notice arguments are not settled fairly
  • Experience yelling or physical violence during an argument
  • Attempt to control or manipulate each other
  • Your partner attempts to control the way you dress and criticizes your behaviors
  • Do not make time to spend with one another
  • Have no common friends, or have a lack of respect for each others’ friends and family
  • Notice an unequal control of resources (food, money, home, car, etc.)
  • Experience a lack of fairness and equality

If you require additional assistance and/or find yourself in a compromising relationships, visit my website and register for one of my Transformational Coaching Programs.

I am not only a Certified Life Coach, Author and Speaker; I have conquered thirty years of abuse; including incest, rape, sexual, physical, emotional, verbal abuse, and two domestic violence relationships. Today, my vision is to empower you to reach emotional freedom while gaining clarity and discovering your infinite possibilities. 

“What happened; didn't happen to me, it happened FOR me and today my mission is to guide you to design a healthy, meaningful life through knowledge, consciousness, self-reflection, accountability, self-love and forgiveness.”

773.419.3070 Contact me for more details.

Healing the Mind, Body & Soul

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